To all those I hurt before…

I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.

When my mind goes back to those days, my heart constricts. Each day I somehow wish I can go back, I wish I can take it back. I wish it never happened.

Sometimes I hate that I did – that I was the one. Most times it is not even about what happened, it is the fact that I could do it and for a long time (even up till now) I couldn’t trust myself.

I know that that is selfish… It is just how could I do that, how could I be so heartless? What was I thinking?…

Today, when I talked to Plangnan and she said “what if hell is like a mental prison” – it hit me. “It’s like reliving the same moment always wishing you can change it, but in reality, you can’t…”

My heart broke and my mind went silent because I knew that deep down, that was what I was doing.

So many times, I have tried to move on. I have tried to forgive myself, to tell myself that it is not about the past, but instead what I made of the future… For so long, I spent my present sucked up in trying to correct my mistake, but nothing could suffice…😪

I tried so hard that I was willing to sacrifice myself just so I could forgive myself…

Now, I have moved from where I was… Now I am willing to take a chance on my happiness, now I am willing to try, but the problem still remains. Now am I willing to forgive?

Sometimes I tell myself, the day I can see them face to face and say, “I’m sorry”, then I will forgive myself. Another part of me begs saying ” So will you spend your entire life chasing them? Waiting?”

It breaks my heart, because when I look within myself. I see it, I see me treating myself like a criminal, and the worst part is I feel like I deserve it so I can’t say “Stop”

How do you know when it’s enough when you are your own judge? How many years will suffice?

I really really really want to forgive myself. I want to say this is it and move on, but the effects of it all on them haunts me. It’s like how can you move on when they could be suffering. Sometimes it’s like I have no right.

Recently I haven’t thought of this, but all of this – those moments have played a huge role in shaping my life – I can never run away from them. Sometimes I can forget, sometimes I can ignore, but once in a while it will always surface and I don’t want to hurt any more thinking about it…

To all those who I hurt, I am sorry. I am so so sorry… Honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I wish I hadn’t, I wish I could go back and take it all, I wish I could help you through it. I wish I could save you from the effects… I’m sorry I did this to you, I’m sorry for all you had to go through, honestly, I wish I could have been another character in your book – may be the heroine or at list the good girl next door, but I wasn’t and I am so so sorry for that.

I am sorry because I spent all those years hurting myself. I am sorry because I spent all those years hating and being ashamed of myself and if it hurts you, then I am sorry for moving on, for trying to break free…

But I have to tell you something. I am sorry because I don’t think I can stay caged in anymore. I am sorry because for once I want to feel whole again, I want to look back and not cringe or hate myself. I am sorry because I wish I could do more to help you.

I am sorry.

I will never forget what happened – I owe you that much, I owe myself that much, but from now on I will not cage myself back anymore. I will work on healing myself, on not cringing or hating myself anytime I look back on accepting and growing.

From now on I will work on saving myself again, on being my own hero – on loving myself again.

This time I won’t try to forget. I won’t act like nothing happened. This time I will listen, feel and embrace it, this time I will make it through and I will do it the right way.

This time I will love and let go… I set you all free… Thank you so much for coming and being a part of my life and I am sorry I couldn’t play a better role in yours… And in doing this I set me free. I set myself free to love. I set myself free to trust. I set myself free to wander the void of the senses.

To Trust myself whole heartedly ; no strings attached.

I’m sorry to myself. I’m sorry for all those years I held you in, all those years I refused to hear or trust what you said. I am sorry I hated you for so long. I am sorry. I know what you did was wrong, but now I have decided it’s time for us to move on. Not to forget, but to accept, trust and move on.

I am sorry.

I can’t wait to heal and meet all of you once again.

Lots of love, Adanma.