My Writings
This is my first life
Inspired by the K-drama 'Because this is my first life'
It is our shared stories that give life its meaning. Connecting with stories so far away, or ones so close... stories that make us feel like we are not alone. Stories that give me the courage to live even when I am scared.
Stories like this one. Stories like 'Because This is my first life'. Stories where I search for answers in moments like this, but instead some stories take me on a journey of their own. They take me through their life, they show me their own stories...
And in the end you tell me to go write my own story. To go find my own tale and to bravely do so. To do so with courage... with courage in my heart.
What do I want?
I don't know what I want. I don't know.
"And to everyone who is living at this moment, with all our sincerity, we wish you good-luck. After all, this life, for all of us, is our first time" - Because this is my first life.
Lots of love, Adanma.
This is my first life.
This is my first life
Yet somehow I expect myself to just know.
No room for errors,
No room for mistakes.
Somehow I think I will just know all the steps
Know where to go
Know how to live
But this is my first life!
This is my first life...
I should not be so hard on myself
I don't have to be so hard on myself.
This is my first life and I don't know all the steps.
I don't know where to go
Or how the story will end
All the chapters are not planned in my head.
Heck sometimes I don't even know when some end and others start.
This is my first life.
It is young and fresh and still starting...
Still learning.
This is my first life and I'm still exploring what it feels like to 'live'
This is my first life and I'm still exploring what it means...
Every step is an adventure
Every step is an exploration
Every step is a guess, because this is my first life.
There is no sense of certainty.
Yet I hold on to a false sense of certainty.
Forgetting that this is my first life, has only made me forget that every step or act of trust has been a leap of faith.
Every decision has been an exploratory gamble.
Because this is my first life and I'm still learning how to live it.
I'm still learning what it is for me.
And I'm probably going to be learning till the day I die.
Thank you.
Thank you brain for reminding me that this is my first life.
Dear younger me,
I miss your smiles and your playfulness. You are so adorable. You loved to make friends and have fun. You loved the craft of art class, your cousin used to help you with your science project and you felt guilty about that, but that's okay now. You had amazing friends, you had a huge crush. You were and are beautiful even without anyone telling you. You loved to play with your cousins, you loved your birthdays! You really did have fun. Yes you were a bit baggy at times. You spent your 10 year old birthday Birthday morning nagging over a chair, but you still gave it up and had fun. You were stubborn you would drag over the littlest details and I guess even sometimes now you still are. You are still are You like things being the way you wanted and going exactly as you planned and it hurt when they didn't you became upset You were curious, you experimented with forces you came to hate for years, you cheeky girl. You were curious about sex, intrigued by how your body felt with such intimate human contact. How did your body react to touch? What were you doing? What was happening? And for a long time, even up to now, I questioned myself. I asked how could you? All those people? All those lives? But I never really though about you? I saw you as the villain. It was much easier to blame it all on you, to see you as the perpetrator and the criminal almost to a point where it seemed like you forced yourself on those people, but you only taught what you saw. You only did it mutually never actually forcing yourself on anyone. You were all just curious children, trying to understand how your body works and the weird way it does. I love you younger self. I know I haven't told you that in forever. I love you. For such a long time I held a grudge against you - I hated you and I hated myself, for so long. I would think back and all I saw was black. All I saw was bad, slowly you were turning into a demon in my own eyes, how could you do such terrible things, how could you hurt those people... in blaming you I only hurt you more and more, which each passing day and moment and second. I wanted to be so far away from you, so distant, I wanted to be completely different from you. I remember thinking to myself one day, " you cant change the past, but you can decide how the future goes" and I was so determined to make sure it went as far a way from you as it could. As far away from me, because I thought you were bad. Nothing, but a evil that needed to be forgotten, but her you are with me. So innocent, playful, fun, free, bold,mischievous, curious, adorable, loving. Here you are with me, standing with all of you out.
I love you younger me. I'm sorry it took so long for me to realize. I'm sorry I spent so long trying to be anything but this curious, limitless child. I'm sorry I spent so long hating you and not seeing your worth or value. You did so well little me. You did an amazing job. You couldn't even see your own worth, but yet you brought us so far. You accomplished so many things even things you didn't think you could do. You are amazing and I am so proud of you. I didn't tell you this then, but you were always amazing, right from the start till now. You always are. I am so proud of me and who I am, who I was and who i will be. I am so proud of all of me, even you lovely little me, and I'm sorry I could t see your value all this time. I love you little me. I love you Avi me. You don't have to be so hard on yourself. You worked a lot. You loved, you learned, you even learnt to express yourself and realize the value in simply being you. You don't have to hold any part of yourself back. You don't have to hide any part of you. Even if you were scared, you let yourself see you again. You were always worth more than the titles and the grades, they didn't make you, but instead you were always amazing. You always have been.
You've grown so much little me. In ways I cant imagine, and in ways I wish I had remembered sooner, but life isn't about turning back time, it's about appreciating the beauty if the present in all its magnificence. The beauty in all of you that is existing in this new moment . Here today, little me, we all meet again and I am so proud of you guys, you've done so much, persevered through so much, you've hurt so much, belittled yourself in your own eyes so much, felt you are not good enough so much. Felt to shy or to small to shine, but now it's time to raise my head back up again. To reconnect to that beautiful smile and that beautiful confidence, to stand in the magnificent light of pure being that is me and to stand there in all my glory. All heads held up high. To find beauty and comfort in simply being me again To embrace the magnificence if being completely, whole and totally me. To embrace all of me.
Dear little me I love you and welcome back. I know you may not be all here, but thank you for living. Thank you for existing, thank you for being you.
Dear younger me,
Remember when we would make new friends... we were always out there, bold enough to put ourselves out there, to say 'Hey I'm Adanma it's nice to meet you '. I remember how easy it as for you to make friends, you weren't scared or doubting yourself. You didn't everything or doubt, you just went for it ever so cheerfully... so why don't we start that again...
A new beginning and a lovely start. A beautiful childlike openness and optimism. I missed you younger me. Welcome back.
Self-appreciation
Today I realized how much love and passion I have for things I have done and works I have created and how they actually really spark me up, but I have been undervaluing and underappreciated my works. Misrepresenting some, or not feeling like I have executed them to the greatest extent. Not feeling like they reflect all my feelings and effort, because sometimes I don't give myself the space to explain my works in detail and to explain what they actually mean and how all the pieces actually come together. As a result, I down play my efforts and the meanings behind the works I have created, whether consciously or unconsciously.
This understanding came about, while I was explaining my projects to mom, mostly my last performance project which I, at the time, felt really discouraged by. I didn't value the work, because I didn't feel other people understood it and didn't and could not have understood it fully, because I never explained it to them. It was this feeling of being misunderstood, but not really realizing that I never even created the space for me to be understood in the first place.
It got me thinking even deeper, into times and ways in which I have felt misunderstood. With my friends, with my parents, in school with teachers and my fellow students when I was younger.... and all that was because I never really made the effort to explain or represent myself or voice how I actually felt or just talk about it. I always expected people to some how just magically piece things together in their head, forgetting that they don't live in my head.
I think this goes deeper into even how I have been feeling recently and relates to my works. In my head I've been telling myself I want to live life for me, and understand life for me and experience life for me, etc... There is this feeling that I haven't been doing that already underlined in all the phrases. Like I haven't been living life for me, and experiencing life for me and all of that.
One thing I realize is that, in all the posts I like on Instagram and videos I love on YouTube, there is this appreciation of their way of life and this appreciation of the work they are creating expressed through the videos and posts themselves. Through their works, they explain their idea and the process behind it and give you glimpse into how their mind works and I love being a part of that process. Being able to experience it. I love seeing their own side to life and their own view and I feel like I most times don't express that in my work.
There is so much that goes into what I do, yet I treat it like one moment or one thing and then move on so quickly like nothing just happened. It happened with the Fashion Show, it happened with the projects too and a little with the Exhibition. I walk away so quickly that I don't even give myself time to absorb the fact that something has just happened. Something has just been done and by ignoring everything so quickly all I do is unconsciously invalidate all my efforts. All the emotions and all the time and experiences that went in and came out of creating the piece or the work or the project, I automatically invalidate them and am left feeling depleted and useless and discouraged.
I realized that I want to talk about the stuff I have done and the things I have worked on. I want to share the stories behind them rather than just showing the result, because that doesn't really do much for me, mostly with my artworks. With shows, the result is the peak, but the process is also just as important. I realized that I haven't been allowing myself enjoy and fully appreciate and absorb things I have done and worked on and I want to start doing that.
I am My life
I always feel so misunderstood, playing this mysterious character in my mind that no one can understand, when in reality I never just talk about how I feel or explain what I feel needs to be understood. I just put stuff out there for people to work out themselves. I just put myself out there for people to describe and experience as they wish. I never actually stand out and say hey this is me. This is me here. This is my work here. Putting myself boldly out into the world, so when people see and experience it, they experience me as I am, not as a blank canvas they can project onto. Living life 'for me' is about living life for me as me. Allowing myself to embody and embrace my live and live it, rather than waiting for people to live, experience and validate it for me. To live my life boldly and occupy my own space, because I realized recently that I have been waiting for people to validate my own existence, when it is valid in itself. When I in myself am the beauty of my existence and I am my life.
Stay Gold
Inspired by BTS
I'm built of so many amazing things. So many amazing moments and my amazing magic that I cant even see sometimes, like today.
There is no need to overwhelm myself, magic will happen. I can see how the future days will live, but I never saw this far, yet magic happened. I'll just stay gold. I'll continue believing. I will continue living.
Something New
A new mindset, that releases all ideas about being and living life. Releasing old standards and expectations and focusing on myself and channeling the energy and investment back to myself. Letting go of the falling cups and realizing that I am the queen of cups, the source, thus all that I am searching for out there and trying to hold onto is already effortlessly in me and trusting myself on that.
A new path continues, a new way of seeing life. Take courage, trust yourself, trust your talent and skills, you are enough to grow something new and something different. Something that speaks to you. Even if it's scary and worrying which I know it is, I take a deep breathe and I trust myself, because I can do this. I have all it takes to do this. I am enough and I trust in that, as I continue trusting myself on this journey.
I don't need to be afraid to stand into my power and to sit on my through. My being is powerful enough and it simply is. I do not have to dim my light or be scared of it, but instead I embrace it and simple be. Sitting on my throne, stepping into my power, standing in my power and realizing my confidence in myself.
I trust me. I trust my life. I am enough.
The Fool
Embrace the free fun loving playfulness of the full. The beautiful trust of self and the universe that allows you to enjoy the beautiful of simply being and simply doing what you want to do. Enjoy the process, don't make it sad or toxic or stressful for yourself. Don't forget that this is what you want or wanted so have fun with it, don't kill the joy of it by condemning and judging yourself. You are valid in your own being, trust yourself and put your heart into what you love.
It's Time
I'm thinking of a spectacular book,
I'm thinking if a new show,
I'm thinking of new ideas,
All popping up here and there...
I'm thinking of ways and songs,
Of feelings and of words,
I'm thinking of tales all swirly and sweet and curious and weird.
I'm thinking of thoughts all inside my head.
I'm thinking.
Just thinking.
I'm thinking and thinking and getting lost in thinking.
I'm feeling so many different emotions.
Thinking so deep, feeling so low, but not too low.
Maybe not low at all.
I'm feeling and all I'm feeling are old feelings rising.
Bubbling up to the surface.
Sometimes I feel the feelings and I get sad and scared and overwhelmed...
Then sometimes I feel them and I just feel them.
I realize I'm here, not there. I'm now not past.
I notice how some of the feelings pass what they felt like once before.
How the people no longer matter in the equation
And how now it's all down to how I feel.
I feel low and overwhelmed,
Yet balanced and present,
Yet very slightly curious and enticed by little moments,
Yet I feel them all together, almost like this weird mixture of emotions that I cant seem to understand.
Sometimes slime tastes stand stronger
Be it hurt, or confusion or more feelings of the old...
And sometimes their all perfectly mixed, creating a feeling that is foreign to me.
Live is a swirly line, the past is always continually mixing with the present and the future and all the moments collide in what is the present - in me where the history of my existence is...
With pasts resurfacing, not harsh or despicable, but still hurt, yet calm and understanding
I have been thinking,
Maybe a little way to much
Or
Maybe a little way to little,
But I have been thinking maybe tomorrow; I'll be ready to feel the feel the wants to be felt today.
I wont run when it if it shows today,
I wont scream and shout not me or not ever,
I will listen, even with the bruised ego, or the hurting heart, or the fear, or the guilt...
I will listen, calmly, sadly, happily - whatever feel - ly...
I will listen and see if may be tomorrow I will be ready to address it head on.
It's time for me to stop holding old stories over my head.
I've Decided
I don't know if it happens in a moment or if it takes time, I'm slightly scared that when the music goes down it will all fade, but I trust me and I trust me and that was the whole point of this, to trust me, to allow myself create and live this new narrative, to allow myself live life how I want to.
I would think this would make things easier. That I would willingly jump head in, but here it is still a little scary, still the little hesitation, but I chose to trust me, because I know with all my heart that this is the narrative I want. This is what I want, this is what I desire. Utmost love and trust in myself, not in a place or a passion, but in me and trusting myself and trusting what I am passionate about and creating and embracing them.
To All The Crazy People
Welcome
In a world where we are all trying to navigate our way through life, we tend to forget that this is our first time. We don't really know how things will work out or go, or maybe we are still looking for a way. Maybe we want to try something new, or do something that has not been done before. Or maybe the idea is a little unusual or maybe our view on what life is to us is different from what we have been told it should be...
Welcome to 'To all the 'crazy' people', a platform where we remember that this IS our first life.
Where we remember that we can give ourselves the permission to try new things and explore beyond or deviate from the norm. Where we remember that we can live life and understand it for ourselves as we are trying to navigate it. Welcome to all the beautiful people here, a space where we can support one and other and realize that we are not crazy and we can trust ourselves and our unusual idea.
Card 3: The Sun
A message for me
For this card I feel a sigh of relief. I feel like you guys recently let go of and released something dear to you. Something you were attached to, but you knew you needed to release. It could be anything, but I feel this relief and at the same time this heaviness.. Almost like a bitter-sweet feeling, where it hurts because you cared about it and were attached to it and you even found comfort in it, but it is relieving because you knew it needed to go for your own growth. And this is not me telling you it's for your own good, but I feel like you felt that and you should be proud of yourself for trusting yourself. With the card I feel not only a relieving release, but also a sense of playfulness and freedom that comes with the release. Like you can run through the fields and feel the wind on your face. Like you can finally breathe and enjoy life. For this group I feel like you put yourself first in some way and now you are enjoying the freeing and relieving feeling it brought.
Victimhood
Limited… I heard one word and one to my own conclusion, creating my own story, constructing my own illusion. Another semblance of an overly repeated story. Limit, limitless, boundless… an old tale. Held over and over, said over and over. One story doesn’t have to be said more than twice. You don’t have to hold on to it over and over, repeating the same story to yourself. Limitless… Boundless… Just be, just exists... You already are.