One way…

Sometimes I feel things are meant to feel one way. One thing with one emotion. Anger. Sadness. Hurt. Like they are all meant to be singular expressions. Yet at times, I feel those moments mix… Hurt with a little of happiness, love and excitement. Pain with a sprinkle of ‘I can’t imagine life without you’. Times when even with all the flaws, I still love us the way we are…

Sometimes I question, maybe I’m just used to the toxicity. Maybe this is just my co-dependency speaking. I should be mad or rebellious or not care about them or their feeling or opinions, but I cant help but just be.

My mind has been swirling, not for too long, but swirling none the least. Like an inner tourmoil of who or what is going to take the lead. Am I scared or ready. Have I healed or do I still have a looonnngggg way to go. Have stuff settled down or are they just starting to bubble to the surface. Am I here or am I moving? I begin to question do I actually want what I want? Do I actually feel what I feel? What are all these feelings… this frankeinstien of emotions…

But watching the ending of Bones today and how he reminised of the good times he had with his dad, I remembered a part of the movie ‘Inside out’ that struck me. When they though the sad emotion, had ruined a core memory and tried to hard to revert it, only to realise that the core memory wasn’t just happy or sad, instead it was a blend of all the emotions in that one moment.

You can feel multiple things at once.

I can almost swear I’ve received this advice before.

You can feel multiple things at once. You can have multiple emotions and opinions about people, a person, a situation or thing. It doesn’t have to be one solid emotion for it to be valid or set in stone.

Be honest with yourself about how you feel.

While now I’m battling with a bunch of emotions and situations swirling in my mind… From the excitement of becoming independent, to the fears of leaving home, to feeling the love I have for my family and how much I would miss them, to feeling like I should be angry and mad at them and ‘not forgive them as I move on on my own path’ (laughing emoji). To batteling inner fears of my own, like my lacking and long time coming and slowly trying to heal relationship with my body, to my inner dilemma about whether masturbation is right or wrong. To questioning what is really vunerability to me, be it talking about what I am comfortable talking about to people, or actually putting all of myself out there.

I was talking about this with my beautiful friend Plangnan (my love) (kiss emoji), and she said something along the line of how can we expect the world to see us when we don’t show ourselves. It’s not about showing people what they want to see. It’s about being wholly you. Bringing yourself out into the light. Not casting darkness or a shadow onto some parts, but being completely you, in all the mix of emotions, in all the mix of uncertainties….

Me and my boy problem, that Plangnan was and is trying to help me with. Me actually giving myself (fearfully) the chance to understand my self. To understand what things like sex and sexuality are to me. To talk about topics, like boys and how sometimes they scare the shit out of me and how sometimes I scare the shit out of them which according to Plangnan is a shit I should own and I agree with her.

Sometimes I have topics swimming in my head. I downloaded this app Flo and its so amazing. I ask myself questions, I experience scenarios, I live my whole life, all It’s ups and downs and it’s weird skits. I talk to friends, and sometimes I don’t. Sometime I read comments and lovely messages from friends too, but all that seems to be one part. One side to the beautiful amalgamation of everything that is me. Rather, scratch that, of every thing I am experiencing. Every part of side to me that I am experiencing.

Emotions swirl, but they don’t neccesarily swirl in one line or pattern. Different parts of me interact and entangle themselves into one moment like these past few weeks, and just leave me dead.

A swirl of my own.

*breath*

Giving myself the permission to explore topics of my own interest. Like what is “love to me?” , or weirdly like Hans said what my ‘type’ of men are or is, what my sexuality is, my little quirks and interests and passion, like how I am interested in pre-colonial Nigeria and how with every new research I encounter I discover more and more loop holes that seems to just keep dragging me into the topic/issues. *sigh* Permission to follow my little sparks and nudges wherever they may lead. To live life fully and not wonder about what people see or think, but to just simple be and be in the state of being.

What ever that state of swirling and mixing is.