The Process

Throughout this process, there were so many times I cried myself to sleep. So many times I stayed up not understanding what the hell was going on. So many times I wished I knew where I was headed. So many times I felt lost. So many times the world didn’t exist and the first time I felt like I didn’t give a fuck about the world…

I had happy tears, I had breakthroughs in self-consciousness. I had moments where I laughed at the amazing reality of my existence, I had moments where I saw life beyond my existence…

In this journey, I learned so much…

With weeks of being lost, lit up by a day of understanding, which only carried me on for a few days or weeks before I felt lost again. Sometimes it felt like I was hitting against a brick wall, sometimes I just wanted to give up and say it’s over…

But I didn’t want to be there, but sometimes I was so tired that I was ready to just give up and stay there.

A lot of times I felt crazy and I still do. The world kept moving, and it seemed like a that changed was me. I would go to school and everything would be ok – everything would be normal, but once I got back home and sat with myself, the whole process would continue again.

A lot of times I felt mad because no one really understood or at least I couldn’t explain it well enough for people to understand, but luckily I had a few people who were willing to listen and who in those moments made me know that I wasn’t mad and it was all okay. They gave me the hope to keep on going.

Then as I progressed, I thought it was all about the career/university course. I thought it was all about law or no law, I never really understood that it was more than that…

It was more than me searching for a route to university, it was me searching for myself and finally, dis-covering (@beaufrank) overshadowed like a small flame in a dark space.

It was me asking the right questions. It was my healing and finally forgiving myself and moving on from past mistakes. It was me finally straightening things out.

Even till now, I don’t know where the process ends – I don’t even know if it ever ends… But with each day, it’s like I become less concerned about the end and more about the process.

Today when I look up I just see freedom, I see space and it’s like I can breathe. When I look up the deadlines and timers of the world don’t matter, instead, all that does is the process which has brought me here and still has plans for the future.

Sometimes this makes me scared, just like now. Scared because I am no more scared or bothered about my History exam next week. Sacred because it all just doesn’t seem of importance to me, but now I’m starting to think, maybe our world is run too much by fear… Fear of the deadlines, fear of the end, fear of our future. Maybe we live our lives too much in fear, causing us to be continually anxious, so much so that when we are not anxious it feels wrong.

Maybe we were not meant to be scared, maybe we are just meant to flow, maybe we are just meant to exist like this… A lot of times I feel mad for thinking this way for seeing life this way because it’s like everything else is trying to tell me otherwise…

It’s all trying to tell me how to feel and how to think and now I realize that I always listen. But why do I have to listen? Why do I have to be scared? Why do I have to absorb the energies of the world if all it does is bring me down and make me feel bad about my self? I deserve more than that. I deserve to live life without fear of things that I do even hold so important in my life. I deserve to live my life without the unnecessary burden of what should be expected of me or of society. I deserve to live my life by my terms and mine only. Yes I will listen to you, yes I will take your advice, yes I want good grades, but no, I AM NOT going to take your anxiety or your fear or your trauma. Thank you but you can keep those.

Lots of love❤

Adanma

P.s this is not directed towards anyone, it is directed towards the world and all societies expectation of how I should be and how I should feel about certain things or situations. It is just a reminder to myself and anybody out there that we don’t have to be or feel anything… ‘The only thing we have to be is ourselves.’ I never understood this phrase until now.