Taking Action

I have a lot of things in my mind. A lot of chooses I have mentally taken. Lots of steps that I know I should be taking…

I for one, am not someone I see as a very active person… Yes I have so many things in my head and yes mentally I have taken them all, in reality, it takes so much more for me to manifest and do them.

Today, I woke up this morning, planning how the day would go in my mind. I would wake up early and energize, play some nice cool music and start working on my art exam. Then by like 12 pm, I would go get the materials I needed for the final exam and come back home to continue with my productivity…

However… Things didn’t go as planned. I woke up fairly early, I got ready and to some pictures to work on, however, when the time to start the work came, I couldn’t get myself to do it. I would stall – play on my phone, watch a movie with my bro or go get food, however, I would just do anything to not do the work. Even just sitting doing nothing…

Then I would procrastinate till the day ended, then I finally gave up.

😪 Do I know where this is heading? No.

I was just about to apologize, but to who? Because of what my sisters said or an apology to myself?

When I saw that post yesterday about nig letting yourself down, I realized there were so many times I have done that. So many times I had told myself that I would do something, but I didn’t. So many times I had told myself I would say something but didn’t. So many times that I would plan something, but not go through with it…

To the point when letting myself down became a habit. A habit so bad that even when I told myself that I would do something productive to change something, even I didn’t believe myself… A part of me deep down just knew that I would fail myself, that’s why there was always a plan B procrastination plan ready, or 5 other alarms at different times right after the first two.

I didn’t trust myself to do the homework, or read the book or wake up at 4 am to study… It git so bad that I could predict that I wasn’t going to do anything even if I told myself so… I lost faith in myself…

😪

This is something I never realized. At times I just thought it was me being lazy or lied to myself that things would “destiny” fall into place.

I never realized how bad it had gotten, his whenever I actually did what I wanted to do, it became a surprise and how I was almost always setting myself up for failure because I never believed it would ever work out.

I would usually always want to end my blog posts on a positive note or with something to learn from…

Then only thing I could always depend on was that one way or another I would have to find a way to do what I needed… But what that only achieved was getting me the grade I needed or make other people think I can do it. Each time I never actually got what I wanted… Neither was I able to create the masterpieces just like I envisioned them. Each time I would always fall short an I knew it.

I knew it, but I would lie to myself with the grades, making myself believe it was okay. But for me (mostly for art) it was never about the grade. It was about all the beautiful ideas I had in my head that I wanted to put down and how I was never able to get it all done as beautifully as I envisioned.

It was not about not getting or getting the grades, it was about letting myself down. Letting my heart, my mind, I would down because I never got enough time to put all they had to say down. I never got to submit the perfect work not perfect perfect, but my perfect.

I always fell short of my glory in my own eyes, not knowing the damage I was causing to myself.

For the reading subjects, I always knew I could do better, at least in some cases in which I didn’t read the topic. I always knew I could have tried better or put in more effort… I could have actually done what I planned, but I never did. Each time I never did…

Maybe that is why making those notes in AS was so crucial to me, because I could tell myself I did something, I could tell myself I tried even if it was just a little.

I guess that was why I said “I’m sorry” at the start.

I’m sorry to myself, for all the times I failed it. I’m sorry for all the times I made plans then failed to follow through. I’m sorry for all the times I made chooses but was too scared to take the leap. I’m sorry for all those magnificent ideas you gave me, but I never used. I’m sorry for not expressing you to your fullest capacity. I’m sorry for all the times I let you down. I’m sorry because I made you lose faith in me.

I’m sorry because I want to be a better me and I’m sorry because even now I am still doubting that.

I don’t know if I can, but I want to try. I want to try and make it up to you. I want to live you to your fullest potential. I want to fully express you not just in my head, but in reality. I want you to believe in me again. I want you to know that you can trust me with all your ideas, thoughts and desires and trust that I will do my utmost best to fulfill them as you wish.

I don’t want to be living on the edge again. I don’t want to rely on the minute anymore, I want to be you. I want to be you I was meant to be, no shortcuts, no fear, no holding back, no shadows- just truly and purely you.

You know what I learned today? It is so easy to live by others expectations and I guess sometimes that’s why we or at least I got so sucked up in it. In reality what I feared was not ‘not upholding their expectation’, but knowing that I never fulfilled mine. And to save me this guilt, I used that fact that ‘at least their expectations were satisfied’ to pacify myself.

When IGCSE Art exam came, I was so disappointed in myself, the works the rush it was nothing like I wanted… I wanted it to be so much better, I had planned on the message, maybe even the layout, but I never got to establish if as well as I wanted and deep down I know I never forgave myself for it. Even though I got an A deep down I know I didn’t deserve it, for me it was just what I used to pacify my guilt.