Perfection

For almost a week now, I haven’t posted anything on this blog. Mostly because I didn’t know what to post and also because of mentally I have just been scared??? I guess…

I don’t know, but today, my friend Abro just knowingly or unknowingly motivated me to write. He made me realize that I created this blog not just to write things that always have a good ending or things that make me feel good, but to be honest with myself about my feelings.

Over the past few days, I won’t say I have been stressed, but I have been… Something…

Looking at it from what I will refer to as the ‘physical’ point of view, I have a lot on my plate… From re-applying to university (which I have to do a portfolio for) to rounding up my art exam and studying for History, which I have mentally blocked out and already semi-prepared myself to wing…

Breaking down these things, I put myself in so much mental pressure because I want everything to be perfect. I am still not sure what the hell I’m doing or where the hell I am going with my life and I want to round up the application by Friday. To put that t perspective that is in less than 48-hours. At the same time, I don’t want to leave my art exam until too late because I don’t want to rush. However, I have subconsciously chosen to ignore the fact that I do I am most likely having an artistic block with the project…

As for History, as I said, at this point I feel like I am most likely going to do my best trying to wing it…

In all this, one thing I have realized is the problem isn’t all this work I have to do, because in the span of time I have used to overthink and worry I have probably watched between 5 to 8 (or 9) movies and started one amazing anime titled Dororo. So as you can see time isn’t the problem. I also forgot to add the hours of sleep in between…

One thing I have realized about myself is sleep is my form of escape. If I am scared of the work I need to do or feel pressures I sleep so I don’t have to face it. But, you can see how that is a problem because when you wake up all you are left with is less time to work than before.

For me, emotionally, I have been in an unconscious rot and I haven’t been able to do anything. At one moment I will feel motivated and hyped up to work – then fear comes in with its buddies laziness, procrastination, and their acquaintance self-deceit and it all goes downhill… 😪

In all honesty and with all jokes aside – it is scary. By the end of this week, I have to submit an application that I don’t even feel qualified for. I have to do an exam that I have no inspiration for… And to make this worse, my quest for perfection has made everything seem more unattainable to me.

There was one thing my art teacher said that I really needed to hear. She was talking about how I always start an artwork expecting it to be a final piece, so I put in so much time and pressure, forgetting that it is a process. “One sketch and a time.”

The problem is, I want everything to be perfect and I want it all to be perfect right now… Right from the first sketch to the first painting to the first study – all perfect, but it can’t. So whenever it goes wrong, I break and just do nothing until I feel motivated to try again.

For example, for the portfolio, I have had many ideas in my head for the color scheme and some new dress ideas, but never once did I put them down, because I didn’t just want a rough sketch, I wanted a perfect piece.

The same thing happens with the blog posts – I just deleted 3 posts I started this week which only went as far as a line. This was quite unusual for me because for my previous posts were, never planned… I had a feeling or idea I want to talk about, but that was it – I never knew what the content of the idea would be or where it would lead. I just let it flow and honestly, I think I need to try that again…

There is one thing I wrote to myself when I was planning out my new art exam. I said, ” Don’t try to know the end before you even start the process – remember it is the process that leads to the end.”

For me, this is a very important quote because I am very good at getting way in over my head and just overthinking my way to depression and the funny thing about my own kind of mild depression is that it consists of movies, laughter, anime and conversations, so sometimes even I don’t notice.

It’s important to remember that although we want the end result to be perfect, the process has to begin first and that may consist of some rough sketches or failed ideas, but that is okay. Because if you start with perfection in mind, you might never even start at all…

At least that is what has happened to me over the past week…

Lots of love,

Adanma❤❤❤

I want to apologize for how disjointed this post may seem, but I hope it is still of help❤