Jealousy

I’m at a point in my life where I am really trying to work on my emotions and understanding and healing myself and jealousy is one of the issues I need to tackle.

When I am in a state of inner peace, I love feeling that way, because it’s doesn’t source from antagonizing anyone or winning an argument or grades, it is just pure bliss and I love that feeling…

For me jealousy has been a problem I have had to face, mostly after leaving my high school where my whole experience stemmed from my image as a good student and head girl. However, when I got to my A-level school, those emotions really began to show.

(As a person who believes in neutrality, which is basically that no experience good or bad is good or bad, instead, they are all a means of growth (likewise for emotions) refering to emotions like jealousy as “those emotions” shows I still have a long way to heal and learn.)But back to the point.

In A-levels, I had to create a whole new identity, the Adanma I was never really mattered, instead, it was the Adanma I could prove to them I am that did.

At first, it was fine. I was excited about the blank canvas, but as time went on and grades dwindled so did the painting. I can remember, the first term was one of my emotionally darkest terms, I think (not suicidal dark).

For a long time, I had identified myself and my worth by people’s view and opinions of me and even subconsciously my grades and most importantly my image. Hence, when all these things started to crumble one after the other, it was hard.

Jealousy came. Anger, fear, lack of self-belief, all of which manifested in various forms from transferred aggression to nonchalance – I even started writing poems😂…

There was so much pent up, so much hurt and I just didn’t know how to deal with it all, because I didn’t know how to see myself without all those things I had adopted as my identity.

Over the years and with this 9 months of intense growth, I have been healing from these feelings and I have slowly started to learn that I am more than all those external things I saw myself as – I am me.

But at the same time residues of those emotions still, linger. Today, I titled the blog jealousy, because it is something I wanted to address. For me, jealousy it is that feeling of knowing or feeling someone is better than you and there is nothing you can do or will do about it.

It hurts, but not just because it’s jealousy, but because you will always and no matter what never stop sending love to that person because they deserve the best in life. Because in reality the problem is not them at all, but you and you know that – you know you have got to heal yourself.

We live in a world where we are sometimes scared to bluntly share our feelings and I am also guilty of that, but recently throughout this process, I have learned to face that fear, so…

Etopima, you are one of the most amazing people I know. I have said this to you before and I will always say it. We may not agree on somethings, but I’ve learned that respect surpasses that.

If you don’t know this, you are one very skilled and talented person and I know you know this, but I feel in my heart that you are going places and I wish you the utmost best in life❤

That day in classroom 10, it hurt after I asked for the break, but it was mostly because of the jealousy and I also knew something I held dear , that day, had broken – there was no escape, no excuse for me anymore.

Thank you so much for everything Eto, honestly, it has been such an amazing journey with you – ups and downs- but still beautiful.

Lots of love Eto,

From Adanma.

Then let’s get to Tolani. Toto is one of the most amazing people I have met. She is just brilliant – like mind-blowing smart and she makes it seem so easy❤. At the same time, she manage to still maintain her childish nature and remain loving. Although she doesn’t see it, she is beautiful and I hope one day she will see it just the way everyone else does.

I love you guys so so much and it will always remain this way❤❤❤

Lots of love Toto,

From Ada

So I guess today is an appreciation. An appreciation of everything you love in the person that you are ‘jealous’ of. So today’s challenge is, write a letter to those you feel ‘jealous’ of, talk to them or yoursleves… Sometimes you never know, “jealousy” may just be masked appreciation…

Lots of love

Adanma❤❤❤