Facing vulnerability

Today I saw a post my friend shared which said: “More people will be able to learn from their mistakes if they weren’t so busy denying it.”

Throughout these past months, I have been going through a process of learning and un-learning aspects of me that I realize no longer go inline with who I am and healing past hurt.

In the span of 3 days, I decided I wasn’t going to do Law – a course I decided and have been telling everyone that I was going to study for 3 good years… Within a week, I constantly exchange my mind from studying psychology to philosophy and vice verse… In a month, I change my mind and decided I would do Fine Art – a course I had been mentally running from for a long time. And literally, overnight, I decided that I was going to study Fashion at university- finally.

To many people out there and even to myself, I was and maybe still am a confused child. I didn’t know what I wanted and I was just making a fuss. Most of these thoughts didn’t come from people, they were from me.

Throughout this entire thinking process, I was tired of changing my mind, I was tired of having to think and I was scared that every choice I made was the wrong one. I criticized myself more than anyone else could, always second guessing myself. And I would always move so quickly from one episode of ‘in-depth self-searching and thinking’ to the next.

I never or hardly ever gave myself a breather in between to cry or morn my lose of something that I once saw as a huge part of my identity, or at least recognizing how I felt about the whole process.

When I realized I wasn’t going to be happy doing law again, it hurt. It hurt because it was something I have grown to see as a part of my identity for a long time. I was going to be that girl who revolutionized the Nigerian legal system or at least begin it. I would fight for the innocent and those shunned by society… And then in a few days, I was no more her.

Even though I never acknowledged it, it hurt like hell. Not only did losing that identity hurt, but the feeling of being lost after was so terrifying. To people, I was just changing my mind, but for me, it was a big leap. I was literally journeying inside myself just to get to this point.

Feeling lost had always been one of my fears, I hated not having anything to hold, because it felt like I was floating or more accurately – free falling. In the process I had to learn how to be okay with free falling because so many times I would always grasp onto empty straws like philosophy and psychology, then I would fall again. And sometimes I would grab onto sturdier straws like Fine Art, and still fall…

Until I had to let myself fall and finally fall – Fashion design. Even till now I’m still scared. I’m scared that this is another fake straw, that I will have to fall again, but at the same time, I still feel like I’m free falling, but just learning to glide easier.

For me, it was so hard to get to this point. Being someone that is a control freak and so scared of not knowing, it terrified me. With school and application deadlines and people asking me “Have you decided yet?” Or “when she is are you starting your application?” Or people telling me “Time is running out.” I became very anxious always trying to rush my way through the process and it hurt. The fear and anxiety hurt.

Today, I decided to write about this, because throughout the process, I never really took the time to understand how I really felt. I needed to be strong, but at the same time, I need to acknowledge the feelings in order to keep on moving in the right direction and this really helped me do that.

Today I’m scared, like I said, what if Fashion is not the one? But one thing I can tell you is that so far, it feels so much better than the other options and so much more in line with me. I am still scared – I do not know what life after fashion holds… I am still anxious because I still have application deadlines, exams to study for and portfolios to create all in the same time range… But now I know how I feel and I won’t run away from it, instead, I will just face it, and take it one step at a time.

This process has been draining, scary, tiring and frustrating, but I cannot tell you how much it has to help me grow as a person and as a me. If you had told me last year that I would be here facing my fear of doing Fashion and pursuing what I fearfully love, I would have never believed you, but here I am…

The basis of this post is to:

1) Appreciate how far you’ve come on your journey – you deserve it.

2) Face your emotions about the process, be it frustration, anger, tiredness or fear – once you get through the feeling and genuinely feel it, you get more clarity.

3) Though the journey still looks tough, know that you can do it.❤

Remember, you’ve made it so far already.

Lots of love, Adanma❤❤❤