Embrace

Intense, that is what this journey has been – intense. I don’t think I have ever fully felt the full feeling of anxiety, fear, and pain, just this huge emotional pain.

I can remember that night I was laying on the bed trying to make sense of everything. I wanted to understand my feelings and maybe see a light in the way. I wanted to come up with a solution. It was so hard, so difficult. It felt like I was trying to fight myself like I wanted to tear through myself and come out. I can remember laying on the bed in painless agony wondering how it appears to be much easier to just cut straight through my chest and let it all fall out.

That night I knew it was a gory thought, but everything seemed much easier than it. It seems much easier than facing the emotions and trying to understand them but failing.

When things aren’t working out, I try to think of a reason, make sense of it so I can take the lesson and move on, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t.

I can remember those days I tied to cry I wanted to let it out, but I couldn’t. The tears just couldn’t come out. I could feel the deep emotions but they couldn’t be released. It was like breathing in air you can never breathe out.

The day I was finally able to cry, I felt so relieved. I could cry, I could release it, I could let go. I had and have been holding on together, the king to keep it all together – trying to keep myself together so I can keep pushing.

I felt like if I didn’t have my back who would? If I broke down and let it all crush me, who would hold me up, who would push me forward…

The decisions I have had to make this period are not my favorite. They have not been the easiest and their results, not the most fruitful. I tried to make sense of it – there had to be a reason – but nothing clicked. Nothing.

The intermediary between changing for Law and finally picking Fashion, but most exhausting was the stale journey in between.

For two months there was no reply, I would check my email everyday thinking and hoping that that day was the day, but to no avail. So many other things happened during the period but it felt like I couldn’t enjoy it. For me it felt like moving through failure, I was ashamed, I was scared and I was sad. I decided to change courses, but it’s two months and there is no reply, what most everybody is thinking? Maybe ‘she won’t listen, she is stubborn and likes to do her own thing. I began to doubt and wondered if I should have just stuck, but Ii never gave up. I was terrified. Maybe the school wasn’t the problem maybe I am, maybe I am not worthy or deserving of the offer, maybe my work is not good enough. I started so question and judge myself, but even though this I couldn’t be sad for too long or express my feelings out, because I wasn’t ready to hear the I told you so. I was so terrified that if I did everyone would just crash on me and I couldn’t have that. I was nearly holding on emotionally, I didn’t need the extra pressure… However unknowingly, I was putting that pressure on myself.

Tears would come, nights would come, I would think I understood but then I really didn’t. I always try to be a positive person to look at the bright side, but although I did that externally, internally I really couldn’t. I needed confirmations and messages, I needed to be sure and with this much pressure I was just hurting myself more and more.

I would shut my feelings up, just so I could push further. When the exhibition came and only 6 people came, my heart broke. I began to think if this didn’t work out as I planned in my head then what else is going to fail (in my own eyes). I was no longer seeing clearly, but I was looking at the world through my sacred and doubtful eye, almost every day was a sign that I was wrong, but I kept on holding.

Saturday came and I was still holding. Then I don t know what inspired it (I can’t remember), but I felt the need to do Art again. I felt like I was holding myself back, scared of what it would feel like to fully plunge into it and initially I thought the feeling was just a dream, I would probably wake up the next day and forget it, but I didn’t and on Monday I began applying.

The first school, second school and the third school, all interested but which was the school. I already had to pause when I was initially applying to really sit with myself and see what I really want, but not too much cane out of that, but I was able to reduce the list of schools. On getting the first offer, I was like this is it, I was going to school I got ut. It was almost imaginary because all this while I had been waiting for this and I finally got it. However, a friend reminded me not to settle. I had always wanted a school with greenery and water, Dunni knows how I love my trees, but the area where this one was, didn’t have much. I couldn’t visualize the Zeb, but I was just so happy I got in. To not settle I applied to another more kike the esthetic I wanted, but it doesn’t feel right or maybe I didn’t feel worthy. I got the offer but one other major dow point was that they didn’t offer Sculpture.

I want to pick the perfect school, but I’m not sure if that exists anymore, I’m not sure if I can find it, but what I do know is I doing care anymore. It hurt so much attaching myself to all these things and just having them stripped away from me. I do know if this is the school or if I’ll wake up tomorrow and think otherwise, but what can I do? How do I make this work? Now I just want spirit to guide me. I don’t know if I’m right or wrong, but I’m just tired and I’m just ready to release. I’ve tried so hard to hold it together but that hasn’t worked, but I’m just here to see where the universe flows.

At this point the most important asset to me is me, and bi matter what happens I have me, I love me and I want to learn to find everything I’m looking for externally in me. It may not sound healthy, it may even be a coping mechanism but I don’t know. All I know is I’m tired and I deserve the best, so let the universe do its work❤❤❤❤

And so here it is, everything I was scared of saying because I felt I would be judged for it, but one thing I’ve realized is sometimes I am my own worst judge❤